So, I've just failed my driving test again.
This would be test #4, by the way.
The first two, I can kind of write off as "I wasn't ready, but my instructors put me in for them anyway, so no surprises there."
The third, I genuinely thought I could pass, but made some stupid mistakes, and spent a lot of time beating myself up for them, which caused more mistakes, which caused me to fail it.
Well, the thing is, by now I really need to get my license. I mean, really need it. Not being allowed to drive is a serious pain in the ass. I say "not being allowed" because the thing is, I can drive. I can drive absolutely fine when I'm not being judged on it. But when the pressure is on to pass - which it is, and always will be - my nerves get the better of me, and I start to fuck up. I'm getting a tiny, tiny amount of minors (4 and 5 on my last two tests respectively. Seriously. That's it. Driving instructors have to pass their test with less than 3.) but then something unexpected happens, and I'm too wound up to react properly, and I get a serious and it's all over.
Today, I failed on two really stupid things - 1. I'd pulled in, and was shifting forwards to get better positioning, and my indicator came off, so a car behind me had to slow down to see if I was pulling out again (which, come on, is that really a serious? I wasn't indicating *out* again, I thought it was clear what I was doing, ffs...) and 2. I was trying to manoeuvre around a bus at a stop, and moved over into the right hand side of the road without indicating (it was a wide road, but a single lane of traffic) and some stupid fucking taxi came storming down on the right hand side, and had to break behind me. I know I fucked up, and should have at least indicated that I was moving out, but fucking taxis...
The thing is, number 2 at least, if not both of those faults, wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so fucking nervous. They both happened within the first ten minutes or so of the test, when I hadn't had a chance to settle into things - not that I really do, but the point still stands.
And I have no idea how to get over the panic, and I'm starting to wonder if this means I'll never be able to pass this bloody test.
I have tried everything I can think of to calm down and relax - treat it like a normal driving lesson, don't panic, slow down, take it steady, breathe, etc - but it's not working. I'm seriously considering taking a fucking sedative before the next one, it's getting that silly.
The worst thing is that my instructor - Keith - who is brilliant, and the first person who actually *gets* me when I'm driving, and knows exactly how to get the best from me - is planning to move. And soon. I don't know how soon, exactly, but soon. So I may not have him for much longer. Which pretty much means starting from scratch again for me if I haven't passed my test by then. And I'm not sure I have the strength to do that again. I've already got the next test booked in, but I need, need, need, some way of controlling my nerves before I take it. Because 5 tests is already too many.