Nerves

May. 14th, 2012 03:11 pm
sesquepadalia: (Default)
So, I've just failed my driving test again.

This would be test #4, by the way. 

The first two, I can kind of write off as "I wasn't ready, but my instructors put me in for them anyway, so no surprises there." 
The third, I genuinely thought I could pass, but made some stupid mistakes, and spent a lot of time beating myself up for them, which caused more mistakes, which caused me to fail it.

Today's...

Well, the thing is, by now I really need to get my license. I mean, really need it. Not being allowed to drive is a serious pain in the ass.  I say "not being allowed" because the thing is, I can drive. I can drive absolutely fine when I'm not being judged on it. But when the pressure is on to pass - which it is, and always will be - my nerves get the better of me, and I start to fuck up. I'm getting a tiny, tiny amount of minors (4 and 5 on my last two tests respectively. Seriously. That's it. Driving instructors have to pass their test with less than 3.) but then something unexpected happens, and I'm too wound up to react properly, and I get a serious and it's all over.

Today, I failed on two really stupid things - 1. I'd pulled in, and was shifting forwards to get better positioning, and my indicator came off, so a car behind me had to slow down to see if I was pulling out again (which, come on, is that really a serious? I wasn't indicating *out* again, I thought it was clear what I was doing, ffs...) and 2. I was trying to manoeuvre around a bus at a stop, and moved over into the right hand side of the road without indicating (it was a wide road, but a single lane of traffic) and some stupid fucking taxi came storming down on the right hand side, and had to break behind me. I know I fucked up, and should have at least indicated that I was moving out, but fucking taxis... 

The thing is, number 2 at least, if not both of those faults, wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been so fucking nervous. They both happened within the first ten minutes or so of the test, when I hadn't had a chance to settle into things - not that I really do, but the point still stands. 

And I have no idea how to get over the panic, and I'm starting to wonder if this means I'll never be able to pass this bloody test. 
I have tried everything I can think of to calm down and relax - treat it like a normal driving lesson, don't panic, slow down, take it steady, breathe, etc - but it's not working. I'm seriously considering taking a fucking sedative before the next one, it's getting that silly.

The worst thing is that my instructor - Keith - who is brilliant, and the first person who actually *gets* me when I'm driving, and knows exactly how to get the best from me - is planning to move. And soon. I don't know how soon, exactly, but soon. So I may not have him for much longer. Which pretty much means starting from scratch again for me if I haven't passed my test by then. And I'm not sure I have the strength to do that again. I've already got the next test booked in, but I need, need, need, some way of controlling my nerves before I take it. Because 5 tests is already too many. 
sesquepadalia: (Default)

So, another Easter, another Strom, another Costume, another tent in a field... Let me tell you about it...

The Good

Blackberry and the wonderful, wonderful, wonderful amazing people at sanctuary - who I still need to thank more - for taking a soggy, bedraggled, overworked eidolon and filling it full of tea and food and giving it back-rubs until it was happy fun stabby eidolon again. 

Experimental Shamanism was a success!

Rumours of my explosion due to experimental shamanism were greatly exaggerated!

Raoul annoys me, Raoul flees my wrath outside the ghost fence where I can't get him, Raoul trips in mud. Earthquake approves.

Being hailed as the Eye of Coyote by a mildly jealous Blizzard, after being a very naughty girl this DT...

The Night of Martyrs - from an OC perspective, hearing Tiri's name read out gave me chills. 

New Sword and Main Gauche from Light Armouries - Soooooo pretty, plus now I'm finally fighting with the weapons I'm best with OC! Pity I did not get to stab enough...

Charging out of the gate on Friday ready to kill everything, in a nice early Non-Bottle 

My faithful getting blessed to high heaven - and getting to deliver at least one of those blessings myself. Which ended up being perfectly done, if not quite as I'd planned it... 

Rachida's new Look. Hell Yes! :D

Threatening to cut people for continually asking me to repeat the experimental shamanism. Being scary stabbity eidolon is fun, but sadly I seem to have become fluffier than an Earthquake eidolon really should be... This may have gone some way to rectifying the balance.

I looked Fucking awesome :D

Deep theological discussions with Thane, and their eventual result - "You were never really one of mine, but we could have made you great".

Fun with Vild - especially whilst attempting to convert impressionable Kitty to Jaguar.

"Warbird, can you come here a sec?"
"Why? What is it?"
"I don't know, I just got asked to find a competent Eidolon."

A very FOIP little meeting in the dark with a contact I didn't know, from an ally I'd never met face to face, about very secret information... made me feel like James Bond.

Being the Eidolon who Knows Everything - running around on the Sunday night, making sure everyone was kept informed.

Having Flambard and the White Jackets explained to me as this character, and thinking "Really? I don't remember us being like that!"

Finding out That true name, and spreading it like a Flembic Governess...

Watching undead and eidolons being fired from the trebuchet

Being eaten by a bug - best form of dispatch ever! If slightly tickly...

Dread lord Fucknose

Conversations in the Maelstrom - of fallen, wendigo, Ilini and the like


The Bad

Something in particular that nearly happened didn't come off in the end - for the best of reasons - but still a disappointment. 

Deity team being overworked and understaffed, meaning all but 2 of my imperatives were Vanilla ones. 

Fucking Rat Tribe and their Fucking Ghost fence! Treking from the arse end of the field to the Maelstrom tent back to the arse end of the field only to need discorporating again, because you wanted to pop out on the other side of the wall, and got "appear in the serpent shrine" not "appear in the tavern" because you've got the wrong mission... trust me, it gets old fast. 

Itchy wig is itchy. But compensated for by looking awesome. But caught on everything. And got wet. But looked awesome!

Couldn't go on the sortie due to bad ankle - yet again getting left behind when there is murdering to be done :p

Couldn't nail anything on Blind Harvey in the end... curses! 


The Ugly

Fucking Cold - backs of hands are dry and chapped to high heaven. As is face. Whilst not as bad as Celestial Gala of the Snowstorm, the cold very definitely prevented a certain amount of roleplay and fun. 

Fucking Wet - everything is mud. All mud. All of it. 

Fucking Boots - ancient CCF things that I've had since I was 13 (so, that's about 12 years now, and all things considered that's a pretty good run) concertina-ing at the back, and digging into my ankle. About time for new boots, says I. 

Fucking sword baldric - in principle, really awesome, and will be really useful, but turned my right shoulder into one solid knot. 


In Conclusion 

Bit of a mixed bag of an event. Not helped by the weather. Seriously, seriously hoping the next one will be sunny. 
Special mention must go to all the people who made the event wonderful in all the places that it was - Blackberry and all at Sanctuary; the White Wolves - especially Thane; All the Earthquake faithful; All the eidolons - native and invader - for being awesome in my direction, and/or listening politely whilst I got all theological; everyone I tried to convert; Both of Bunni's characters for being funbugs; All at the daggers for giving me free drinks because my alter-ego works there... and I'm sure there's many more I've forgotten to mention.

So tired now!

And only 3 more left to go...  

Mini- Rant

Feb. 6th, 2012 03:56 pm
sesquepadalia: (Default)
I'm not going to apologise for being angry, only for being slightly less articulate about it than normal.

Who the Fuck is this woman in the Avengers trailers? 
Why the Fuck has she not had A SINGLE LINE YET, let alone a whole movie setting her up, like the rest of the gang?
and
Why the Fuck is there only one of her, while I can count at least 5 blokes (not counting Mr Badass himself, Nick Fury)? 


Ok, I admit, I'm a DC girl at heart... but looking at the Marvel Cannon a bit more closely, I am still really struggling to think of any female characters they've done. With the exception of all the X-Women. Who are still called X-Men.* 

There's Shulkie (She-Hulk for the uninitiated) - Who is essentially The Hulk with boobs...
And Electra, who I know nothing about save the name...
And the girl from the Fabulous Four or Famous Five or whoever they are; The Invisible Woman**

And is that it?

Apparently not according to this list, but that said, I'll give you a shiny penny if you could name half of the women listed there without looking. And how many of Marvel's women are headliners? I can think of 2. Shulkie and Electra. 

Now, I know, the current situation of women in comics is crap, really crap, so maybe it's unfair of me to single out Marvel like this...

So let's look at DC. How many DC Heroines can you name? I'm pretty sure you'll recognise at least some of the following.

Wonder Woman (Plus Donna Troy, Wonder Girl and all the Amazons)
Catwoman
Power Girl
Oracle
Batgirl
All of the Birds of Prey. Not some of them, like the X-Women, or a token one in the Fab Four, ALL OF THEM.
Zatanna
Huntress
Black Canary
Super Girl
About half the Green Lanterns

And that's just the ones who Headline their own series. 
And how about their iconic Villains? Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, the Cheetah and all that lot?

I'm calling Marvel out on this one. 

But I'm also calling DC out on this one too, because, of all those women I've just listed, I think one of them has had a movie made about her (Catwoman) and it wasn't great. I am really annoyed that at the very least they haven't done a Wonder Woman film yet. She's one of the Big Three, and the other two (Batman and Superman) have had Multiple films.

Come on Comics World and Hollywood - there is a whole other 50% of the world out there who would love to be allowed to Kick Ass on the big screen!




*And, ok, I really like the X-men, though some of the films are a little problematic in their treatment of women. Heck, at least their women *exist*, there are plenty of them and they aren't just girlfriends of the main characters. 

** Which says it all really.
sesquepadalia: (Default)
So, Skyrim!

Jokingly, Doug and I have started referring to this beast as the third person in our marriage. 

And I'm not sure why.... 

See, ok, it's good. There's nothing wrong with it, it's a decent game. 
I love the magic system - I love the look of the magic especially. Elder Scrolls has always been my one game where I really enjoy playing specifically mages*, and Skyrim is no different. I am loving my Breton with lightning in one hand and healery in the other. I cast like I'm in Saturday Night Fever. Hell yes. 

But the thing is, apart from the dragons, this is just like any other Elder Scrolls game. 
I have found myself impulsively stealing books and collecting Nirnroot and spending hours trying to find the one guy who can sell me a fricking bedroom only for some reason he doesn't have it any more, what the hell game? 
And I still can't climb the frelling** mountains, and spend hours looking for the sodding way to the top.
And I spend hours trying to find the sodding dungeon doorway or the way back out, or the way back in after I've lugged all my loot back to the shop and can now finish clearing out the rest of the dungeon... 

And through all of this I'm watching How I Met Your Mother *** and vaguely wondering why I care about these characters, or even if I care about them, with the possible exception of Lydia, my Housecarl, who is the most useless creature imagineable and who I hate with a fiery passion. So much that I'm leaving her at home. Housecarl? She's been demoted to housekeeper. This is mainly because I haven't figured out how to give her stuff so's I can make her my packhorse, so I don't have to do quite so many frelling runs back to the shops to unload my loot. 

God damn it, this is an annoyingly addictive game, and I don't know why, because it's no frelling different from any of the other Elder Scrolls games, apart from the fact that it is marginally prettier and I like the magic. So WHY CAN'T I STOP PLAYING IT???




Oh, also, Happy Christmas everyone!****

And New Year!

And all that Jazz!



*Oh, and also DA:O - but then I love everything in DA:O
**Yes I said "frelling", get over it.
***Which is Awesome, btw
****and/or whichever winterval festival you care to celebrate!
sesquepadalia: (Default)
In true style of me - I've been meaning to post for days, but haven't been near a computer, and then the minute I am, my brain refuses to come up with anything interesting to say.

I've been busy, busy lately. 

The trip to Malham cove did not happen in the end; mostly because I ended up going to a friend's wedding the day before I was due to go there, and had an absolute whale of a time with all the Old Gang from Back in the Day, got slightly sloshed, and decided to lie in instead of getting up early to go to the middle of Yorkshire. 

I did however very much enjoy the Right Royal Piss Up (courtesy of [livejournal.com profile] casparrrrgh and Co.) - even if no-one recognised who the fuck I was.


Prize if you can guess who the fuck I'm supposed to be... )

And the subsequent time spent up in Glasgow, where I had a chat with awesome persons about getting a tattoo... 

Then went back home for the aforementioned wedding, and to be berated by my mother, as is becoming disappointingly regular. 

This week, I shall be continuing with the driving lessons - at stupidly early hours :p - with the possibility at the end of it that my sister is getting rid of her Micra, and I may be able to buy it off her :D 
If it hasn't already got a name, I will be christening it (or re-christening it perhaps) Saiorse - which is probably a 2 person joke, but heck, it'll be my car :D
Just need to pass the bloody test...
sesquepadalia: (Default)
A lot of things can happen in a week.

You can grow up, fall in love, lose yourself, find yourself again, break a cycle, make a decision or slay some demons.

I think, this last week, I've done a few of those. I've also turned 25 and finished writing a novel. Which, co-incidentally, takes place over the course of one week in September, and completely changes the protagonist's life. 

When I say "finished" - I realise I'll probably have to go back and re-draft a few more bits a few more times, but this draft is the first one I can honestly say feels "complete." The plot is there, the structure is there and unlikely to undergo any substantial changes, the characters feel properly developed, and events are hooking together and linking back to make a cohesive whole. 
I'm feeling fairly positive. 

The bigger question is "what now"? 
Well, First thing is I'm entering it in the Mslexia novel competition. Have done, I should say. 
Then I'm going to start working out all the business shit, like how to write a synopsis and cover letter and all that jazz. 
Then, if I don't hear anything from Mslexia, I'm going to start sending out to agents and publishers. 

I'm also going to take five minutes to wibble in a corner, because this shit just got real

If anyone actually knows any agents or publishers, especially those interested in the field of Speculative Fiction (SF/Fantasy), then I would be most interested to hear from them... 
sesquepadalia: (Default)
For the edification of people curious about my musical taste (or lack thereof) - I give you the Mellow playlist (which admittedly picks up a bit at the end...)

Goodbye to You - Michelle Branch
Life For Rent - Dido
You're Lovely to Me - Lucky Jim
Isobel - Dido
Linger - The Cranberries
Here With Me - Dido
Tiny Dancer - Elton John
Ocean Drive - Lighthouse Family
Santa Monica - Savage Garden
Life is a Flower - Ace of Base
Rotterdam (or anywhere) - Beautiful South
Lucy - Divine Comedy
I Like - Divine Comedy
The Blue Cafe - Chris Rea
Ain't No Sunshine - Lighthouse Family
Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
Save Tonight - Eagle Eye Cherry
*Tonight's the Kind of Night - Noah and the Whale
Walking in Memphis - Ok, ok, it's the Cher version....
You Took the Words Right Out Of My Mouth - Meatloaf
There Will Never Be Another Tonight - Bryan Adams

Work in progress, but yeah... Eclectic much? XD
sesquepadalia: (Default)
I just mis-read a Guardian article title as "Nick Clegg: We will end the Liberal farce"

The word was actually "libel" - but I'm sad to think that my version works just as well...

Profile

sesquepadalia: (Default)
sesquepadalia

March 2013

S M T W T F S
     12
345678 9
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930
31      

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 20th, 2017 04:02 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios